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Sometimes I wish I could just drop you off at school, wave goodbye, and you would happily skip into your classroom. But that’s not you. You want to hold my hand all the way to the door. When we get there, I kneel to your level and say, “Okay love, give them all to me.” You know what that means, and you happily wrap your arms around my neck and alternate from kissing my cheek and squeezing me so tightly that you begin to shake. I stand up and try to usher you into the classroom, but you’re not having it. You want one more “hugs and sugars.” So I kneel again, and we repeat this scene as many times as it takes for you to be satisfied. Sometimes that’s twice, and other times it’s four. We just never know.
At night I tuck you into bed. It’s our nightly routine. Your daddy reads you a story, and you say your prayers together. I pop in at the end of your bedtime routine for some hugs and sugars. I don’t like to interrupt your time with daddy. Before my finger even hits the light switch, you’re calling for more hugs and sugars. The truth is I saunter to the bedroom door because I know it’s coming. I head back to your bed. “One more, okay?” I whisper. “Okay, Mama,” you reply. I know you don’t mean it, so I tell you, “Give them all to me.” And for a few minutes, I stand there and as you alternate between kissing my cheek and squeezing me so tightly that you begin to shake. It’s like you can’t hug me hard enough. You give THE BEST hugs. It’s true. Everyone says so.
There was a time when this wasn’t our routine. There was a time that I would leave you at the door of your classroom give you ONE hug and kiss, and walk away. When you would cry for me, I would tell you that you will be fine and that I would see you later. Then, I walked away as you cried…hard. You were crying for me. You just wanted one more “hugs and sugars.”
And at night, I would give you one hug and kiss and then I would turn the light off and walk out. As you hysterically cried, I told myself that you were just prolonging the inevitable. I reminded myself of what “they” said, “Don’t give in. Stick to your guns. Your child will learn.” Somehow I convinced myself that “they” knew more about what you need than you are I did. My sweet child, I am sorry for ever believing that.
I am sorry for the times I let you cry in the hallway of your school when all you needed was “one more hugs and sugars.” I apologize for making you cry it out at night when all you wanted was “one more hugs and sugars.” And I regret listening to “them” instead of trusting my Mama instincts and listening to you.
Your Mama is a quick learner, though. I am thankful that this period in time is over that you have an immense ability to forgive. I promise you that for as long as you need, I will always give you “one more hugs and sugars.”
And I will keep giving you “just one more” as many times as it takes to make you feel safe, secure, and loved.